Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Last Tremor Felt

It’s official. This heart has all but been bled out and is nearing its end.
I should’ve recognized the symptoms- chest pains, shortness of breath and unpredictable attacks of dizziness. Too late I learned, this condition has passed the stage where it could’ve been treated.
The doctor gave me the results from the x-rays and the other varied tests the other day and we were left astounded after what was found out.
At first glance, my heart was ok. It was only by looking through a lens that we discerned the visible symptoms of its failure. Minute, myriad cracks ran through the muscle. The exterior has degenerated into a papery, fragile texture, causing some of it to peel away and crumble into dust.
It seems too that my heart has shrunk from the normal size (I think this explains my apathetic behavior for the past months now), causing it to lag and bounce about like an abandoned, fallen kite, with its string entangled on a high, dead branch.
Observations also show that parts of my heart have been chipped off, some small areas looking like the pieces were carefully
excised, though more prevalent were areas looking like chunks have been forcibly torn out by a monstrous beast.
However, I think I know the possible cause of these missing pieces (and it somewhat
beleaguers me that i should probably admit this to the doctor). I have been giving away parts of my heart over the years, most of which I optimistically lent out on loan and wanted to get back twofold. Unfortunately, most people don’t seem to value paying loans nowadays that needless to say, forced my heart-giving venture into bankruptcy.
The bigger chunks though, now those were different. Those were given freely and without hope of getting them back. Why? Suffice it to say that all hearts or at least parts of it, are irrevocably meant to be given away to someone special, at one time or another. In my case, there were a lot of "someone specials"
(and still are) so that explains away the large bulk of heart pieces missing.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by the diagnosis, really. Truth be told, I had it coming. Anyone who didn’t value hearts as much as I did are doomed to this fate.
Even as I write this memoir, I can feel my heart shudder with the last vestiges of effort.
It’s only a matter of time now.

1 comment:

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