It’s official. This heart has all but been bled out and is nearing its end.
I should’ve recognized the symptoms- chest pains, shortness of breath and unpredictable attacks of dizziness. Too late I learned, this condition has passed the stage where it could’ve been treated.
The doctor gave me the results from the x-rays and the other varied tests the other day and we were left astounded after what was found out.
At first glance, my heart was ok. It was only by looking through a lens that we discerned the visible symptoms of its failure. Minute, myriad cracks ran through the muscle. The exterior has degenerated into a papery, fragile texture, causing some of it to peel away and crumble into dust.
It seems too that my heart has shrunk from the normal size (I think this explains my apathetic behavior for the past months now), causing it to lag and bounce about like an abandoned, fallen kite, with its string entangled on a high, dead branch.
Observations also show that parts of my heart have been chipped off, some small areas looking like the pieces were carefully excised, though more prevalent were areas looking like chunks have been forcibly torn out by a monstrous beast.
However, I think I know the possible cause of these missing pieces (and it somewhat beleaguers me that i should probably admit this to the doctor). I have been giving away parts of my heart over the years, most of which I optimistically lent out on loan and wanted to get back twofold. Unfortunately, most people don’t seem to value paying loans nowadays that needless to say, forced my heart-giving venture into bankruptcy.
The bigger chunks though, now those were different. Those were given freely and without hope of getting them back. Why? Suffice it to say that all hearts or at least parts of it, are irrevocably meant to be given away to someone special, at one time or another. In my case, there were a lot of "someone specials" (and still are) so that explains away the large bulk of heart pieces missing.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by the diagnosis, really. Truth be told, I had it coming. Anyone who didn’t value hearts as much as I did are doomed to this fate.
Even as I write this memoir, I can feel my heart shudder with the last vestiges of effort.
It’s only a matter of time now.

I look back at my life right now and I'm not sure if I’m happy with what I see. I don’t know if I achieved all I’ve set out to get nor do I know if I’ve lived the way one’s supposed to. All I know is that right now, I am stuck in a crossroads and I can’t move on or choose a path because I am laden with uncertainties on where to go next and insecurities about taking on the new hurdles of life. I haven’t always been like this. I know I used to be light in spirit and disposition and something this trivial wouldn’t have bothered me any.
Anyway, that’s all moot now because the thing is, I am in this dismal reality and it seems I’m stuck here or worst, have been stuck here for the longest time and I’ve just noticed, now that my feet won’t move since they’re sinking in quicksand.
Is this despair even normal? I have lost all semblance of fighting and I’m being pummeled into pulp by circumstance, inability and hopelessness.
Is this what’s fated for me? I shake my head and wonder when my life has reached its peak because I don’t think it ever did. And when I do recall a specific goal achieved, place traveled or persons met, somehow those memories just seem petty and washed out.
Lord, I don’t want to keep on living like this. I am neither a drone nor a shadow but it’s just so hard keeping my head up. I want to view the world as I did, when I was but an exuberant youth. I need to witness something with wonder again. I need your help. Please show me there’s something more than this bland, bleak excuse of a life.

I've been Tagged!

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER (might be rambling a bit too)

1. I have a “thing” about mint chocolate ice cream. I think it’s the best flavor in the ice cream world. I’ve always wondered why local brands don’t have this as a regular flavor. But then again I’d be reduced to hopeless destitution if they did.

2. I can emulate a lot of accents. Here’s the list:
a. British –
- regency/upper-crust brit
- street/slang brit
- hybrid brit with brogue mixed in – watch Billy Elliot to get an idea.
- Tagalog and Ilocano - Yep, you read right, I can speak Tagalog and Ilocano with a british accent.

b. Brogues –
- Scot (me and my buddy Jonathan Benito even write testimonials for each other in simulated Scottish)
- Irish (has been permanently ruined when I acquired the Indian accent though)

c. Indian – I can do indian – both genders. Yep, the lilt’s different ‘tween genders.

d. American –
- Neutral – American - accent that can be pinned down to any state in the US (usually this is the accent that call centers try to achieve in their agents)
- Texan Southern Drawl – having spoken to them for what felt like eternity in one of my past jobs, I can manipulate my tongue so my words come out sounding like I’ve been chewing gum for the last 20years (and the same gum at that). However, my best southern usually comes in the guise of the irate African-american woman (luv ito nina She and Lala). Also on this list are – Stetson –wearing cowboy, African-american man, single southern lass, white married Texan woman and Hispanic (chicano, not the castellano espanyol). Ask me about this sometime so I can let you hear the difference.

e. English – these are just inflections so I listed ‘em separately
- French-english – Hank azaria’s character in Along Comes Polly – “Ze Hippoh”
- Italian-English – Those who’ve watched The Godfather movies know how this one sounds. It’s easy to acquire, really, just try choking yourself for 5 minutes or so and your voice comes out all raspy and Mafia-y
- Russian – English – I vanna be dancer. OR… Lucy Lawless’s character in Eurotrip. Luv the “VANDERRSEX” scene. ‘nuff said.
- Bimbo-English – is this even an accent? Nope. But I sure can do it. Me ‘n Paris Hilton are, like, BFFs.
- Surfer-dude – best example I can give you with this voice is Crush the turtle from Finding Nemo.

That’s it I think. I’m working on asian accents now so the list is gonna get longer.

3. I’ve been collecting books since I was 13. My genre’s Fantasy (leaning towards Robert Jordan’s writing, never was one for Tolkien’s flowery style)/ S&S/SF and a spattering of other types of fiction. Lately, I’ve been worrying about space since my books just overflowed the latest book shelf I got as a present (o, nagpaparinig na… perfect gift for me – BOOKSHELF)

4. I collect DVDs. Pirated naman. I’m a movie buff. I can watch beloved movies 10x and still bawl at the “cry-here-and-insert-chees

There are things that make me angry. and then there are those that make me raging mad. i just read this post (link pm'd by one of my colleagues and fellow UPian and catperson, Kerwin Nicolas) about a certain UP student, Joseph Carlo Candare, an alleged cat- killer. The info was posted by another UPian blogger (ty for being so concerned) about how and why a hapless little kitten was killed by a vicious beast of a teenager. here's CatKiller's post on his multiply site (fortunately copied by Upian blogger, before the site was closed, probably because of numerous Abuse reports) -


Name: Joseph Carlo Candare
Nickname: JC
Age: 18
School: UP Diliman (nop for long!!!)
Course: Applied Physics
Hometown: Butuan City
Multiply: http://myperfectsymmetry.multiply.com/

The entry

4th Epic Fail: An Accidental Crime. First day sa supercon. Lunch time came. On our way out of old NIP I saw the cat I almost killed last Tuesday. Now everyone knows I hate cats. It's an unexplainable feeling towards them. Like some internal hatred. Hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit pero anumang pagpipigil sa sarili ay hindi sapat upang mapangibabawan ang panggigil ko sa mga pusa. I pulled it on its tail and threw it. Then like some pro wrestler I jumped on it and my feet landed on it's torso. Slam! Felt good! But the cat didn't die, well not yet. It ran for it's life and just as I was about to catch up on it somebody yelled: "Pwede bang pabayaan mo yung pusa?!". It was instant and involuntary. I stopped on my tracks. Nobody ever stopped me when assaulting cats. Well I guess there's always a first time for everything. The cat got away. Or at least that's what i thought. So we went to lunch Mel, Jayson, Tracy and me. After lunch, balik na sa kung anumang naiwang gawain. Then Tracy and Mel told me " Hui Jc napatay mo yung pusa". Hours later, habang abala sa XRD, a guy came in. Tanong niya: "Sinong pumatay dun sa pusa?" Bang! Dat was me boi. Guilty as charged.

I didn't see it die pero sabi ni Myles it coughed up blood or at least something like that daw. Didn't realize I gave it a fatal hit. This isn't the first time I've killed a cat but this time it's different. It didn't occur to me back then that the cat had a leash. So I think somebody owns it. Well it's very well loved in NIP from what I heard and I just ended it's life. So there you go I'm sorry. And I wont be striking another one for maybe about a month. It feels good when your beating it(a cat) up but you suddenly feel something strange when it turns off permanently. That's how I feel right now. And maybe for the next days. Dang, am I a cat serial killer?

Obviously, this guy doesn't have a clue that his current mindset is setting him towards becoming a serial killer (they always start out torturing little animals).

I hope this guy gets karma big time. It's an ever bigger shame that he's currently studying in UP- dapat he should know better because he's being provided with premium education. Maybe it just goes to show how twisted he is, and perhaps, he may already be irrevocably damaged inside. People like him always turn out for the worse. I pray na maagapan pa sya. If not, at least, sana, one day when he's out walking, he encounters some crazy guy strong enough to throw him up into the air and for fun, stomps on his torso as he hits the floor. That should show him.

Last Saturday, my band, Distantshores, had the privilege of performing with some of the upcoming talents in the Philippine underground scene. The experience was one of the few good events I’ve gone to for quite a while now, so I felt compelled to write about it. The event was spearheaded by friends of ours, Rj Chaves and Aries, the guys who started the After Shift Jam series; gigs usually done during the early morning hours to cater to call center agents. Saturday’s gig was one of the rare occasions that the event was done at night, it was even featured as live webstreaming from 6Underground’s website.
Anyhoo, we confirmed last on the bandlist, so we were slated to perform as the 7th(last) band. Nevertheless, my bandmates and I intentionally went in early so that we could watch the performances by the other bands (kasi we heard apparently yung mga kasama namin that night were really good). I think we made the right decision. The bands who performed not only lived up to the hype, pero they actually took it to the next level. So here I am, tryin’ to help these musicians out, cause if they deserve anything for their music, it’s being heard and appreciated.

Here they are;

The Ram Chaves band (formerly known as Sutil) – You might have seen Ram (known as RJ pa rin to most) in the TV show Pinoy Idol. He finished third. If you ask me, Ram’s beyond anything inane such as being known as “third”. Some people might say “di sya nanalo kasi ginagaya nya si bamboo”– that’s just ignorant banter. You wouldn’t say that if you’ve seen him perform live. This guy, si Ram, along with his bandmates, Wilbert, Bong and their new bassist (sorry didn’t get the name-pero he placed 1st in The Rj Nationwide search for Music Hero, si Dob, our bassist was on the top ten) – perform their hearts out when they play. They’re really good to watch, the type of show that just makes you want to sing along, if only you knew the lyrics. Anyhoo, all those people who didn’t vote for Rj, you’ve just been upyoursed. Kasi they have an album coming out in January under VIVA records. Fortunately, things always have a way of working out. ☺

Menaya – I’ve heard about this band while to talking to a former bandmate of mine. One time, nagkita kami, he said, “uy, vote mo naman sa NU countdown ung band ng best friend ko, he plays guitar for MENAYA”. Syempre, ako naman, haven’t even heard of the band so I just gave a noncommittal answer. Watching them play sa 6Underground totally changed my outlook. The few songs they performed were enough to convert me to a full-fledged fan. Menaya’s music is not the usual Filipino-yi sound you hear on the radio. It actually sounds like they’re foreigners. I’m not trying to sound like I’m belittling anything sounding Filipino-yi, I’m just trying to give a distinction (I hope I don’t offend anyone with this thought). As I was saying, I was really surprised kasi ang ganda-ganda ng tunog nila. Just my type. It’s easy-listening-rock-na-hindi-maingay-kahit-nakadistort-ang-gitars. Astig. You can put their CD in the car stereo and go on a joy ride habang inuulit-ulit ito sa playlist. If you wanna know what I mean, just check them out sa record stores, their second CD’s already out.

Ursa Minor – Besides the fact that the band’s astig kasi they have a female drummer (I personally think that girls who can rock as well as or even better than some guys are innately cool) they’ve got a really great sound. Try to catch them at their gigs; I think they’re pretty active in the underground scene, so those of you who are part of music mailing lists sa yahoo groups would usually see them on gig scheds. I don’t know if they have an album out yet, pero I’m sure to buy one if they do.

** at this point, I’m gonna plug in for my fellow musikeros na rin kasi they too deserve kudos, kahit na sa simpleng post lang.

Ambermoon (Effect) – They currently reside and gig in Baguio, although they’ve already performed here in Manila. I really respect these guys not only because I personally know them pero kahit na I haven’t had the opportunity to watch them play live, I’ve listened to their demo songs sa soundclick and they sound really good. Dati kong kabanda si Rubena, vox nila. She’s one of the best female singers in the Philippines. If you don’t want to take my word for it, you can always watch them perform and you’ll know it for fact. Bukod dun, her band’s got a heck of a repertoire for musicians, si Jethro, si Sev, si Oliver and their lead guitars (sorry po, I haven’t met him pa) – they’re all really, really adept, judging from their songs. So please try to catch them play, if you can.

The Lowtechs – Another band I’m really proud to be acquainted with. Gelo, the vox, was my blockmate nung college sa Fine Arts. They’ve made quite a name for themselves sa underground scene. So bukod me being happy about my blockmate, I’m proud that these guys, Baguio guys all, are on their way to success dito sa Manila (and it’s really hard to make a distinction at all dito, as I should know).

Tabass – Tabass’s music in three words – FUN FUN FUN. Met them sa After Shift Jam. You haven’t had a really good bar experience unless you’ve seen AJ, Suzi and Bennet perform onstage (it gets even better if they’re inebriated). Their music, with some quips and anecdotes thrown in for laughs, really make watching them a novel experience. Astig kasi pag nakikipagsabayan ka sa kanila lalo na sa mga kanta nila like “Gusto Ko Matutong Mag-Rap” or “Granma” or their cover of Wham’s Careless Whisper. Their single – “Balat Kayo” is currently number four on the Pinoy Rock Countdown on 105.9 after only a week of airplay. I’m urging anyone who reads this to lend a hand and cast a vote.

Kastigo – This time, don't know them personally pero I’m still gonna write about them. Got acquainted with their music through Sir Eric (my account’s Creative Director) a fellow local music enthusiast. I think the guitar guy is some kind of a guitar henyo. Apparently he doesn’t use a pick when playing the guitar. Magaling sya, magaling sila. Their song Kapag Kapiling Ka (KKK) is on my Ipod’s jogging playlist. I’ve once had this song on repeat for a whole day at work – it’s that catchy. They’ve got an album out so try to ask about them on your local music stores.

Traumaligno – Boom, the vox, I do know from college (seems a lot of people I know from college are currently in the band scene). His band’s also released an Indie album, called “Baon". Astig rin ang tunog nila. The guitars sound great and of course, astig ang bosses ni Boom (heard he got the best vox award sa After Shift Jam awards last year).

Basilica – Been hoping to see them perform live for quite some time now. Di ko matyempuhan. Magaling kasi sila e. Watching them’s gonna be on top of my current to-do list. They’re that good.

Even – This band, di ko pa naririnig. Di ko rin kilala. I just read from a post though that
they won the latest Red Horse Muziklaban competition. And they’re from Baguio. Kudos to them.

I know that most of you might think the only reason I’m promoting these bands is because of the fact that I know most of them. The thing is, I am taking the time to write about them because as a musician, I’ve listened to and appreciated their music. More than that, I know that their gifts of melody have been given to them for a reason; it might be for something as shallow as trying to have a good time or something as serious as you finding something you can relate to and that something might even inevitably alter your life’s path. Of course, that just might be the romantic in me speaking, but who knows? Anything is possible. For those reasons, I know I’m gonna sound cliché by finishing this post by urging everyone not to buy pirated CDs’ but for these bands and all other struggling musicians out there, one Original CD bought means quite a lot, so I am gonna endure becoming part of the generic crowd at least this once. Here goes, PLEASE, DON’T BUY PIRATED CDs, TANGKILIKIN ANG SARILING ATIN.

I fell off my mountain bike last Friday. Actually, let me rephrase that, I flew off my mountain bike last Friday; arms-and-legs flailing, screaming-my-head-off flying. It’s the kind of stupidity I thought I outgrew, like peer pressure and cutting classes to go drinking. The most embarrassing thing about it was, about 25 people saw me actually careening through the air. I can only imagine the collective thought going through everyone’s heads at the time (including mine) – what an idiot.
The funny thing is, I still couldn’t believe it could happen to me – I, who spent my childhood enmeshed in animate activities that would drive any sane parent to tooth-clacking, knee-trembling hysteria if only they knew about it.
When I was a kid, I’ve jumped (fallen) down 10-foot walls while lugging a bag of stolen kamotes (and running from a fuming gardener waving a big-ass bolo), slid down streetlight poles ala fireman-in-action, scaled bayabas and avocado trees in search of Y-shaped branches for slingshots, illegally entered park premises by clambering up the park fences and various other monkey-brained schemes. Most importantly, and I guess, not surprisingly, because of my seemingly uncontained childhood adrenaline, I’ve found the time to learn and eventually become accomplished in Roller Skating, BMX and skateboarding. I’m not going to say that my skills could’ve gotten me into the X-Games, that would’ve been exaggerating, but suffice it to say that for a 10yr old kid and a GIRL for that matter, I could beat most teenagers in a karera.
Anyway, considering my past life as an adrenaline-pumped (kiti-kiti if my mother had anything to say about it) juvenile reprobate, I should have known better than to speed up on a curve. So, here I am with severely bruised elbows and knees and various black and blue pain points on my body. That’s not the only problem though. I’ve been having a constant headache since the incident happened and it’s been four days already. I haven’t told my older sister (the tattletale) nor my mom about it. My mom wasn’t too happy about what happened and has called me repeatedly since Saturday morning so that she could recite a sermon I’ve heard the -enth time using a voice usually reserved to start wildebeest stampedes. The headache’s not actually a big deal, I could even ignore it if I wanted to but knowing when it started and speculating about the probable cause, it’s starting to worry me A LOT. Unfortunately (or ironically), though I never backed down from a challenge, I go tail-between-the-legs scared when it comes to doctors. No, I’ve never been hospitalized because of my over-active behavior as a child so you can rule that out. I just don’t like going to doctors, or to hospitals, for that matter. Maybe it's my irrational fear, like what other people have against ghosts; though on my part, I fear something more concrete. I don’t know what to do. I know it’s unreasonable – I’m covered by medical insurance and I need only get a doctor’s appointment and be present on the day of the appointment, but I just can’t seem to do it. I really don’t know what to do. Maybe it’s just paranoia. I’m fervently hoping that what I’m feeling is only Hypochondria because at least that way, I’m only imagining the pain and there’s really nothing wrong beyond my usual cookoo-ness.
Nevertheless, I am going to give myself a deadline, if this headache’s still with me on Friday, it’s off to the Doctor on the weekend for me (which I'm still fervently hoping against). Wish me luck. Sana all it is is a concussion and nothing worst.

Lately I’ve been trying soooo hard to keep my perspective about things. It just seems that everything’s not satisfactory anymore.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to keep myself enthused by a few things that I think are really helping me keep my attention away from more dejecting matters.

Reading blogs – I’ve discovered that reading some of my friends’ blogs are actually therapeutic. Why? Getting to know them better through their posts just assures you that you’re not as disturbed as you thought you were. This is a very good thing because, you find out that you do belong to a group, albeit a looney one. ☺ ahhh, the rewards of a comfort zone. Besides, reading about problems and anecdotes not your own gives you a glimpse of life from another perspective, and that’s always refreshing.

Finding a hobby – Lately, I’ve been trying to condition my body into returning to its former athlete-form (I played varsity tennis in college till I busted my shoulder). I realized that besides the fact that I’m beginning to look like a fat-ass, I may be someone who might be described as one who’s “gone to seed”. I find it troubling to be bothered by a phrase that I’m not even sure I know the meaning of. Anyway, I always read about that saying in books, when the author describes the former athlete with the current beer paunch. Just thinking about it depresses me. So, here I am, willing to take on a new hobby to battle the invasion of flab. More importantly, running’s keeping me from brooding too much (it's really hard to be "brooding" when you're about to collapse from exhaustion). This time, I guess having a hobby’s more than just about the hobby itself. Besides, just the thought of eventually looking better is always a welcome addition to the list of pick-me-ups.

Pasta Catatonia! - I recently experimented with making a pasta dish throwing together various ingredients I found in my apartment's pantry - Penne pasta, thyme, rosemary, tuna chunks in veg oil, rock salt (yes, rock salt since i couldn't locate where my housemates kept the iodized variety), some capers, pitted olives and a bit of corn oil (sounds eww).
I'm not gonna call the activity cooking because I don't think boiling penne qualifies as cooking anyway. Nevertheless, I think I came out of the experiment successfully because everyone I've forced into sampling my pasta told me I did good, meaning- they gorged and were satisfied. More importantly, they exclaimed that the taste was really yummy. This means a lot, because the majority of people I've fed so far- mainly my housemates - haven't really tasted anything I've put together, besides the usual hotdogs and instant noodles.
I'm not really the cooking type. The last time I cooked, I remember my Dad and I having a row about why I couldn't even fry an egg right. I felt so bad, I ran away from home, well, for 5 hours at least. I went back because I found a lost kitty and had to return home to get some milk - I remembered seeing a can in our refrigerator.
Back to the story - I named my dish Pasta Catatonia! (note the exclamation point, yes, it's part of the dish's name, so you have to say it with flourish) jokingly warning my housemates that a bite of it can render you Catatonic for 5 minutes. I haven't had anyone go into a coma yet so another hoorah for me.

A new pet – I have been reluctant to get a pet since my kitten, Cleocatra a.k.a memeh, an abyssinian mau, died. She mistakenly ate rat poison at our neighbor’s gym, thinking it might have been her usual fare of Whiskas cat food. I was so distraught over her death, I wasn’t able to go home to the apartment for 2 weeks. I had to bunk over at my sister’s apartment until the grief became at least bearable. Call me a drama queen, but I couldn’t help it, I am and always have been, a cat person.

memeh my cat

Falcor a.k.a Maximus Decimus Meridius