I’ve started running again. This time, I’m not running to impress somebody, I’m running because it’s become a sort of therapy. I’m badly in need of a diversion to get my mind off things.
I run because even though I’m not really sure where I want to go, I eventually get somewhere. I run because I want to get away from everything and everyone, most of all, myself. I want to leave my thoughts and all my neuroses behind, I want to be someone, anyone else, because at this point in life, being me is the farthest from what I want to be right now. Unlike hiding, the physical effort exerted to get my limbs moving, my heart beating, helps numb my brain - so my worries can dissipate and all the voices in my head are muted into a tolerable din. I run because i haven’t been doing anything for myself anymore. I don’t take photographs, I don’t draw, I don’t write songs, I don’t perform, I don’t make videos; I've become a drawn-out, colorless semblance of a person, I've become a zombie. It’s like I’ve lost a part of myself that I wasn’t even aware I had, until it all went away. Maybe running is like trying to find the “me” I have displaced. I run so I can feel the wind on my skin. I run to move. I run to feel alive.
Most of all, I do it because in this state of chaos, running is the only thing I have control over and that gives me a sense of relief. I control when I stop, I choose my direction, I know how much distance I could cover and in time, I’ll know both my limits and more importantly, the parameters I could challenge and jump over.
Maybe this won’t amount to anything, but right now, I am badly in need of something that will help me get over this current depression. Maybe running is just a manifestation of my being scared OR of dealing with being scared, I don’t really know nor care much anymore.
The Pessimist in me is insisting that running is my expression of moving away from all the things I am incapable of handling, but somehow, amidst all the discord in my head, I can still hear a tiny voice whispering that maybe, just maybe, it can also be the other way around. Maybe running is my way of facing all my fears and plunging into them in a headlong rush, with the awareness that at least I’m doing it MY way. I hope with all my heart that it's the latter.