Thursday, May 29, 2008

Under The Radar

Starting today, I will follow a regimen to save mine self from this hole I’m digging into. I will establish and follow these parameters so I can at least maintain a sense of dignity and self-preservation, when it comes to you.

I will not log on to my Friendster account first thing in the morning to check if you’ve been online.
Trying to refresh the Home page every 10 minutes is not helping my already annoying obsessive-compulsive nature. I’ve realized that keeping myself from clicking your profile when it seems that you haven’t been logging on takes the same amount of willpower as trying not to breathe for 5 minutes. However, in keeping with my newly-established "self-rules", I’ ll try to see if I can survive asphyxiation anyway.

I will not purposefully wander into your side of the room, starting today.
I’m running out of excuses and people to have idle chats with, while I’m constantly craning my neck and eyeing my peripherals just to get a glimpse of you. Honestly, I think that’s the reason for the constant migraine I’ve been having these past months.

I will not moon around while staring at nothing nor talk like I’ve swallowed a microphone, every time I think you’re in the near vicinity, just so you’ll notice me.
In relation to this, I will not talk like the smart-ass I usually am. I only did that intentionally, on the off chance that you were listening and might be impressed. Neither will I try to show you a false front, so you’ll get the impression that I’m something other than who and what I am. That kind of effort takes a toll, even if it’s not immediately noticeable. I know my eyes are turning squinty and my hair’s being more unmanageable, from too much thinking of grandiose schemes, on my part.

I am tired of starting each day wishing I could talk to you and tired of ending it wishing that I did have the guts to talk to you, when I had the chance.
I know hearts like mine are getting fewer and fewer, what with today’s almost abnormal rate of people getting to know each other and “getting it on” in record time, but, what can I do? I am this way and have been ever since and I don’t think I will ever be otherwise. What a foolish way to love.
Nevertheless, wretch that I am, I still don’t consider myself a lost cause, hence, this regimen.
I want to think of myself for a change, not only of you – though I guess, I never should have thought of you in the first place, not in this way - because I know it can never be. So, starting today, I’m leaving you out of my heart and keeping you out of my mind, I’ve so many issues that I don’t need another one.
Not that you’d care, you haven’t even noticed, anyway.

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