Wednesday, June 01, 2005

unsent untried unread

I have been perusing my diary and I found this unsent letter I made years ago, it was initially meant to be mailed off with a self-consuming resolution but sadly it just became another relic on the shelf.......(please forgive the grammar and shift of language, this has been composed years ago - with my as yet unreliable command of words - and I chose to post it as it is, not only as a testament of my roots as a writer but also perhaps to preserve its sincerity....)

eres tu

kay tagal na tayong hindi nag uusap. buhay ka pa ba? ni hindi ka naman kasi gumagawa ng paraan upang makapag-krus muli ang ating mga landas. nanghihinayang ako sa naging takbo ng ating relasyon. tinangay na ito ng hangin.
sa kabila nito, hinahanap kita ngayon di lamang dahil sa wala akong makausap kundi pati na rin sa nagungulila ako sa natatangi nating mga diskurso.

alam mo, andami-dami kong kuwento. malamang pag nagkita uli tayo, malilimutan ko ang lahat nito.

nais ko lang iparating sa iyo na kahit napakatagal kong nawala sa sirkulasyon ng normal na mundo ay nasa mabuti naman akong kalagayan.

furthermore (please forgive my switch of language, i really do write better in english, so they say), i also want you to know that I really am frustrated to have no one to share my innermost thoughts with. though this does not necessarily mean that I've become a recluse and have shunned the world at large (although it oft feels the case), it does imply that there is a serious lack of intellectually stimulating individuals from where i'm at right now (there goes your esteem of the so called "iskul ng mga iskolar").
what I missed most about you was the fact that we could talk about anything - our conversations not waning with the lack of spark or enthusiasm. our talks would range from the most inane to the serious, from the most miniscule nil to everything that consisted the controversial commercial that we (foolishly) considered our lives, and it wouldn't make a difference, we would always be happy. it is so hilarious that I really and honestly thought we would remain the closest of confidants until we reached the withered and toothless fuss of old age.

missing you attacks me most when the night reaches its deepest, darkest black, by then, thoughts seem to jumble out from every visible and hidden crevice within my head. these thoughts, however much muddled, i could always organize and stackpile with you around.
it really is a pity that circumstance would not permit us to relive even a miniscule moment of what we used to share.

although the past is something that is lost forever, i wish fervently that events would transpire for once so i could go back and correct my mistakes. please do not doubt me in this matter, for i feel very much sincere. almost certainly you too have made pretty embarrassing and even regrettable follies that could make you capable of sympathizing with the way i feel now.

i must admit that news about you have been disappointingly seldom (and this, even at my constant effort of badgering, ferreting and prodding information from our past acquiantances). i must say though, that if info morsels do reach my ears, the majority tend to be shocking if not downright unbelievable. it seems discernment of what is true and what is not also comes hand in hand with curiousity.
in spite of this, i earnestly hope you have found what you have been looking for, those many aeons ago, when i knew you. however much i fear that if and when you find those answers, you will ultimately and utterly forget me, i still wish you contentment and happiness.
i confess that writing you really took an effort on my part, my pen has found the courage where my phone has not.

i cannot end this letter without telling you again that i am sorry because that is all that i am. considering the magnitude of hurt and betrayal i have caused you, believe me when i say that i know how a word is totally inadequate and oft times meaningless but that is all i can offer you right now.
i also apologize if this letter may seem unintelligible to you, it certainly seems so to me, after a third reading, i may have mistaken a broken stream of thought for eloquence.

please forgive me.

2 comments:

Ashley Riot said...

Though your writing has evolved from the time you wrote this letter (i assume it's a letter), the emotions are distinct of the mudfish I have come to know. It seems your problems before have not much changed. But then again, these are the qualities I have come to admire about you.

Shackie D. Shark said...

ei mr. riot--
kaya nga tayo friends eh, same conundrums-- same vents for the pain to be diminished---- hope you also find what you're looking for--if destiny was not so cruel--- :) anyway, we'll always blog our lives away, in hopes of a better share of the cake-- whatever that means. anyway, thanks for your comments