if wishes were wings, pigs could fly

i've never done anything. everything i have gone through and done so far has been a mediocre imitation. if someone asked me, what's the craziest thing i've done lately, i probably would just make up some bogus story and hope they wouldn't ask about the details. it's funny how trivial my problem is. most of the planet's worried about stuff like the economy, politics and the environment but here i am, whining about what a bore my life is.

i can't help it.

i could not decide whether my life has become a comedy or worse, a tragedy of UNepic proportions. at this point in time, if one looks back at what has become of her life, there are only two basic reactions. first and if one's lucky, the person would throw back their heads and thank the Almighty with all their hearts since everything they've set out to achieve has been and more than likely will go their way. the second reaction, if one's a totally unfortunate tidbit of the universe (as i seem to be), is just to bury their heads in the sand and hope that nobody ever remembers their names again (ostrich syndrome).

gone is the youthful idealism of the "Carpe Diem" (hooray the latin vocabulary) perspective. it has fled as youth has fled from me. i have passed my quarter life crisis a year ago (assuming i live until 100 yrs.) and it seems i have already reached my peak on an obscure early 20's age and never noticed it fly by me. the thing is, it's depressing to speculate that after that fateful but brief time in my life, everything will start going downhill from there.

i would have loved to hold my head high at one of those much-fussed about high school reunions. it would have been great if the conversations would start with ohhhhhssss, ahhhhsss and wows......... i've always imagined i would have been a big time artist by now or at least in a famous band. so much for youthful idealism. it is overrated anyway (in my heart of hearts, i would always be an artist and a musician).

AND AS I'M AT MY LOWEST RIGHT NOW, LET ME WALLOW IN SELF PITY.
the world rejects me, it always has. that or it's playing a mean, mean joke. i am sick and tired of all the waiting and anticipation for something big to happen. let me make it clear that i am not merely waiting, as i might have implied. i actually have a job. the problem is, it's not the job i wanted nor strove for. it is at this point in life where you begin to wonder where it all went wrong, or what you didn't do.
if my regrets were visible, they would stretch out into the horizon, going farther than the eye could ever see.

(let this not happen to you, reader, for i wish you well)

tell me not that my life is still full of possibilities for i would only believe that once i reach my destination. at this point, it's not a even a far-off speck. i believe it's there somewhere but until i see it, and hold it in my hands, DON'T give me words of encouragement nor optimistic tirades. DONT EXPECT ME TO PERK UP. give me the chance to exercise my right to grieve and brood.

i am tired now and i don't want to rant anymore. don't worry about me though,
i am simply burnt out,
i will be fine again someday
but for now, please leave me alone.