IN ALL FAIRNESS

I HAVE LEARNED TO BE CONTENT WITH THE LEFTOVERS.
PATHETIC AND INCONCEIVABLE AS THAT MAY BE, ONE HAS TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT SHE CAN AVAIL OF. I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I AM PAST THE STAGE OF WHINING AND CRYING. AS IT IS, I AM BEYOND THAT. I HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT IT IS USELESS TO RANT AND RAVE AGAINST THE INJUSTICES OF LIFE WHEN IN FACT, I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO DESERVE OTHERWISE.
IN ALL FAIRNESS, DESTINY HAS OFFERED ME NUMEROUS OPPORTUNITIES TO ESTABLISH A FOUNDATION - ONE THAT CAN ASSURE ME A FUTURE, IF NOT OF THE IDEAL PLAN , THEN AT LEAST W/ A SEMBLANCE OF IT. UNFORTUNATELY, IT IS WTH GREAT SADNESS AND UNBEARABLE SHAME TO ADMIT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN TAKE THE RISK REQUIRED FOR SUCH A PRIVILEGE.

SUBORDINATELY THOUGH, I HAVE BECOME AN EXPERT IN DISTINGUISHING THE JUICY MORSELS FROM THE OTHERWISE HEARTBREAKING RESULT OF MY VENTURES, I HAVE DECIDED TO LIST THEM ALL- OR AT LEAST, WHAT I CAN RECALL. THIS IS A SORT OF THERAPY FOR ME, A CONSOLATION THAT I CAN ALWAYS LOOK TO, WHEN LIFE AND THRIVING BECOMES TOO HARD TO ENDURE.

NOTE ONE:
YOU KNOW I EXIST, OR, AT LEAST I THINK SO. I HAVE PROVEN THAT YOU HOLD A MODICUM OF REGARD FOR ME, BASED ON YOUR UNCHARACTERISTIC ACT LAST CHRISTMAS. IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT USUALLY TURN OUT GLUMMER THAN WHEN IT STARTED. I WAS THINKING IT WAS GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF CAFFEINE TO GET ME THROUGH THE NIGHT. I HAVEN'T BEEN SPEAKING TO YOU LATELY, I FIND IT ONLY DEPRESSES ME WHEN THE EXCHANGE OF WORDS ONLY RANGE FROM THE MUNDANE HI'S AND HELLO'S. WHY IS IT THAT I COULD EXTEND AND STRETCH A CONVERSATION TO ITS LIMITS WHEN INITIATED W/ ANOTHER? WITH YOU, I FIND IT A TRIAL THAT RIVALS MOST OF THE IMPOSSIBLE EPIC QUESTS. PERHAPS IT'S JUST THE FACT THAT WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON AND THAT EITHER YOU FIND ME TOO BORING OR TOO NEUROTIC TO CONVERSE WITH. HOWEVER, ON THAT SPECIFIC NIGHT, YOU TOOK THE FIRST STEP. THERE I WAS, EXPECTING ANOTHER SELF-INITIATED TONGUE LASHING, WHEN I HEARD YOUR DISTINCT VOICE BEHIND ME, CALLING MY NAME. YOU WISHED ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS. PERHAPS IT WAS JUST A PASSING THING FOR YOU, BUT THERE WAS NO NEED TO SAY IT, THE CHANGE OF MY MOOD WAS EVIDENT TO EVERYONE AROUND ME, THAT SIMPLE GESTURE MADE MY NIGHT.

NOTE TWO:
LET ME STATE THE FACT THAT WE DON'T GO WELL WITH EACH OTHER. WE DON'T LOOK GOOD TOGETHER. WE DON'T MESH. SADLY, THIS APPLIES FOR THE PHYSICAL AS WELL AS FOR THE INTELLECTUAL ASPECT. I THINK FATE IS JUST ACTING CRUEL AND LOOKING FOR A GOOD LAUGH WHENEVER WE FIND OURSELVES WITHIN UNAVOIDABLE SITUATIONS. IF THIS HAPPENS, ALTHOUGH WE ARE IN THE SAME PLACE AND TIME, THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH. WE WENT OUT AS A GROUP, NOT BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO, BUT BECAUSE WE WERE OBLIGED TO. YOU, OF COURSE WERE WITH THE PEOPLE I LEAST MINGLE WITH. WHAT A SHAME, THERE'S ALWAYS A CLASSIC CASE OF THE " SO NEAR YET SO FAR" SYNDROME BETWEEN US. OF COURSE, I DOUBT IF YOU EVEN GIVE THE MATTER A SECOND THOUGHT. HOWEVER, DURING THIS IOTA OF TIME, AGAIN, YOU INSTIGATED YOUR RARE FLASHES OF EMPATHY. THERE WE WERE, SITTING AS A COMPANY, BUT NOT AS A GROUP. I WAS BORED OUT OF MY MIND, AS USUAL, SOMEHOW BEING MORE DEPRESSED BY THE FACT THAT YOU, BEING SO NEAR, ONLY REMINDS ME MORE OF HOW I COULDN'T TOUCH YOU. I THOUGHT IF THIS IS JUST THE CASE THEN I WOULD BE BETTER OFF ALONE. SO, I GATHERED UP MY TATTERED PRIDE AND LEFT. BEREFT, ALONE, DEPRIVED, I CHOSE TO STARE AT THE MOON ON MY OWN. IRONICALLY, IT IS DURING THESE TIMES THAT ONE NOTICES THAT ALTHOUGH YOU ARE TECHNICALLY SHARING YOUR SOLITUDE WITH THE MOON, IT TOO IS ALONE, STARING BACK AT YOU. SO MUCH FOR CONSOLATION. ALAS, I DECIDED TO GO BACK, TO YOU, AND TO ANOTHER ROUND OF MASSOCHISM. YOU NEVER EVEN LOOKED AT ME TWICE. IT WAS ONLY LATER THAT I FOUND OUT FROM SOMEONE, YOU WERE ASKING IF I WAS OK. ONE HAS TO WONDER HOW SUCH SMALL MEASURE OF REGARD COULD WEIGH SO MUCH IN MY BOOK.

NOTE THREE:
IT DOESN'T SEEM AS IF YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND ME. WE DON'T SPEND TIME TOGETHER, WE DON'T EVEN TALK THAT OFTEN. HOWEVER, THERE ARE THOSE RARE TIMES DESTINY GRANTS US A LAPSE FROM IT'S USUALLY CRUEL GAME. WE WERE LEFT ALONE, YOU AND I, HOW, I COULD NOT EVEN REMEMBER, I JUST RECALL TO HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ONE AT THE ROOM WITH YOU AT THAT MOMENT. WE HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TALK TO EACH OTHER, FOR THE LACK OF A BETTER THING TO DO. I COULD NOT REMEMBER HOW IT STARTED, I JUST REMEMBER SPENDING AN ENGAGING CONVERSATION WITH YOU, SURPRISINGLY, YOU SEEMED AS IF YOU WERE ENJOYING IT TOO. WE COULD HAVE TALKED ALL NIGHT, IF NOT FOR DESTINY REMEMBERING WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER. YOU SAID GOODBYE, FINALLY, NOT KNOWING THAT THAT NIGHT WAS ONE OF MY BEST ONES. WE NEVER TALKED AGAIN AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE, PERHAPS YOU KNEW ALL ALONG. I WOULD NEVER KNOW, SOME THINGS ARE BEST LEFT IN THE DARK.

EVEN AS I TRY TO THINK ABOUT IT, IT MAY NOT SEEM MUCH. TO OTHERS, IT MAY EVEN APPEAR LIKE A LIST OF LAUGHABLE SPECULATIONS. I COULDN'T CARE LESS. IN THE STATE I'M IN RIGHT NOW, I WOULD ACCEPT ANY ASSUMPTION, MAY IT BE VAGUE, UNCLEAR, OR EVEN UNTRUE. ONE NEEDS THE PERKS IN LIFE, HOWEVER MINUTE THEY MAY BE, HOWEVER INCONSEQUENTIAL THEY MAY SEEM. YOU SEE, IT'S LIKE COFFEE, EVEN THE LITTLEST SIP CAN HAVE AN EFFECT ON YOU. THIS IS HOW I SEE YOU. YOU ARE MY COFFEE. MY CAFFEINE. I HAVE THIS HOPE, IN MY HEART OF HEARTS, IN MY INNERMOST THOUGHTS, SOMEDAY YOU WOULD CONSIDER MY EFFECT ON YOU THE SAME. YOU DON'T EVEN DRINK COFFEE THOUGH. TOO BAD, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING TO TALK OVER.