The Throng

i stare. you have this silly smile on your face and even from this far, i sense that you are happy. strolling along, you seem not to notice the crush of the throng, the milling multitudes of night-going freaks. my heart clenches because i know why you look to all the world like someone in love, because you are. "it" has it's arm around you and your hand, encompassing "its" waist. i term it as an "it" because i'm mean, i'm vicious . my heart is in the midst of a cataclysm. i don't want to pretend that i'm not a jealous, unreasoning, doting idiot, because i am.
i am jealous - because i've never seen you smile that way at me. i am unreasoning - because i could not understand why you consented to be with "it" and not me. i am doting- because inspite of it all, despite of it all, i still want you. yet you are oblivious, as you were for all this time. i have this memory of us, one of the few we spent alone, you were laughing about something mundane and i was watching you, in every appearance looking as if i was bored out of my mind, which, of course was a lie. since i met you, i've lived a lie. you see, beneath my mild, indifferent exterior, every sense of my being is captivated by your smile, by the sound of your voice. yet you did not know, you do not know, even now. i remember, i told you once in a joking tone, that i really wish you would find out how it feels to be enthralled by someone. i hope you find out how it feels like to have your breath leave your body everytime that someone comes into your line of sight. i hope you find out how hard it is to keep your eyes from someone, how your neck aches from the constant craning effort of keeping that someone in your peripherals.i hope you find out how it
is to be me. now, looking at you, i am aghast that my wish has been granted, you already know how it feels like to have found someone, unfortunately, that someone isn't me. i knew this day would come though, but i never thought it would be this soon. perhaps when i told you that inevitability, i was subconsciously and secretly hoping you would eventually come to accept me as i am, and welcome my affections. however, as in all tragedies, my heart was left bereft of all hope when you started going out with "it". the tables are turned. i would never know how it feels like to have my breath leave me because you would never smile at me the way you smile at it. i can only look at you from afar, pining, without you knowing, without you caring. maybe this way's better, at least you're happy, you are spared from all my weaknesses, my shortcomings. you are safe from my cynism and satirical outlook on life. my only regret is that i didn't at least tell you how you mean to me, i didn't say anything at all. maybe if i told you, things would have been different, maybe you would have given me a chance. isn't it ironic? i always was the one to go for the extremes. i always was up for a challenge. i just didn't go for you. now i'm within the realm of "what if's", could have's and maybe's. i'll just have to accept that you might have been mine. but truth is, "might's" are always infuriatingly not enough.

IV. The Anti-Climax, A Pining Whiner No More

FINALLY, IT SEEMS, I'M HIT IN THE HEAD BY A MALLET AND I SEE THE LIGHT
time and time again, I've thanked God that I have a very high opinion of myself. otherwise, I would've just melted into the floor from sheer shame and failure.not to mention all-enveloping frustration. i mean, what does it take for you to recognize me and at least point out the difference between me and an ordinary rock? have you no heart (this said with a scarlett o'hara twang..)
oh well, we don't always get what we want. i'll just have to change my lifestyle in the hopes of forgetting you. i would have to turn my head away everytime you come into my line of sight (this seems really hard since you seem to be all over the place ). i'll just have to live my life like that of the spurned telenovela protagonist, sacrificing love for a measure of pride to remain... perhaps other misadventures with you would eventually come my way but for now, i'll just have to close this book.

III. THE WAY OF THE STOMACH IS THE WAY OF A MASTER

III. THE WAY OF THE STOMACH IS THE WAY OF A MASTER
WHEN ALL ELSE HAS FAILED, WE RESORT TO THE MOST DESPERATE OF MEASURES. COERCION. FORCE. FOOD. I CHOOSE FOOD. IT IS THE LEAST OBVIOUS TYPE OF BAIT FROM THE THREE, BESIDES, I WOULDN'T WANT TO APPEAR OVERLY DESPERATE. I GET MY CHOSEN PROPS. CHOCOLATE, CHOCOLATE. MAKING THE USUAL ROUNDS AMONGST THE DENIZENS OF THE CIRCLE (A TERM FOR OUR WORK AREA), I CASUALLY STOP BY YOUR STATION AND PROCEED WITH MY CAREFULLY THOUGHT OUT MODUS OPERANDI. PREDICTABLY, YOU NOTICE ME STUFFING MY MOUTH WITH THE THING."WHAT'S THAT?" YOU ASK.UNFORTUNATELY, DIFFICULTY IN SPEAKING IS USUALLY THE AFTER EFFECT OF THE CHOCOLATE'S CARAMEL STICKING TO THE TEETH. THIS RENDERS US POWERLESS TO OPEN THE LIPS FOR THE NORMAL GIRTH FOR DISCOURSE, OTHERWISE, WE RUN THE RISK OF SHOWING A MOUTHFUL OF BROWN GOOK. HENCE, I ANSWER SHOWING THE LEAST OF MY TEETH. "CHCLET, WNTSUM?" (PLEASE DO, I BOUGHT IT SPECIFICALLY FOR YOU). "UH SORRY, I DON'T EAT CHOCOLATE E, STICKS TO THE TEETH.".. STUMPED. ONCE AGAIN, YOU GOT ME STUMPED. ALMOST FORLORNLY, I WALK AWAY. WHAT TYPE OF PERSON DOESN'T EAT CHOCOLATE, I WONDER. THE SAME TYPE OF PERSON WHO DOESN'T NOTICE MY DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION, THAT'S WHAT.

II. HALLWAYS SERVE AS AN OUTPOST AS WELL (THE JEDI AND THE SHARK)

II. HALLWAYS SERVE AS AN OUTPOST AS WELL
I BORROW MY FELLOW STALKER, THE JEDI, FROM HIS CURRENT CHOSEN "HAUNTING" (NOTE THE USE OF THE WORD "HAUNTING", NOT "HUNTING") GROUND. HE WILL SERVE AS ONE OF MY PROPS FOR THE EVENING. WE POSITION OURSELVES NEAR THE HALLWAY (ALWAYS A VERY GOOD STALKING GROUND SINCE EVERYONE NEEDS TO PASS BY HERE TO GET TO THE PANTRY) AND PRETEND TO BE ENGROSSED IN AN INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION. OF COURSE, THIS IS DONE DURING CHUVANESS'S (DEFINITION: A WORD WHICH USED TO BE MEANINGLESS GIBBERISH BUT EVOLVED INTO A NOUN/VERB PERTAINING TO ANYONE/ANYTHING/EVERYTHING AT A GIVEN PLACE AND TIME; LATELY BEING USED AS A GENERAL TERM FOR THE SUBJECT OF THE "STALK") BREAK. NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY ANTICS ARE VERY TAXING TO THE JEDI AS HE LACKS THE MORE DEVIOUS NATURE I POSSESS. ANYWAY, WE CARRY ON WITH PLAN B. CHUVANESS PASSES BY, HURRIEDLY I LAUNCH INTO THE "DISCUSSION". "YOU KNOW JEDI, I PLAN ON STARTING MY OWN COMPANY SOMEDAY".. JEDI, "OH?".SHARK, "AH YES, ONE THAT WILL MAKE ME RICH BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS"..(AT THIS POINT, CHUVANESS PASSES BY AND I INTENTIONALLY INCREASE THE VOLUME) "AH YES, CASH WOULD FLOW FREELY FROM MY FINGERS, I WOULD USE HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS TO LIGHT UP MY CIGARETTES (NEVERMIND THAT I DON'T SMOKE) MEN AND WOMEN OF POWER WOULD BOW TO MY WHIMS" ( AT WHICH POINT CHUVANESS HAS ALREADY PASSED BY WITH NO HOPES OF LOOKING BACK) "AH YES..." (LOOK BACK YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT) "AH YES..AHH..DAMN".OBVIOUSLY SOUNDING LIKE AN OBNOXIOUS PRIG DOESNT APPEAL TO YOU. I HAVE GOT TO THINK OF MORE EFFECTIVE WAYS OF ATTRACTING MY CHUVANESS.

Chuvaness Files I. The STALKER (JECKYLL AND HYDE CONUNDRUM)

I. The STALKER
I APPROACH FROM THE BACK, LIKE A HUNTER STALKING A PREY.. I HAVE ONLY MOMENTS TO ADMIRE THE WAY THE LIGHT FALLS ON YOUR HAIR BEFORE YOU NOTICE THAT A SHADOW IS BLOCKING YOUR READING LIGHT. YOU TURN AROUND AND AND SAY "OH, ITS YOU CACCAM".. "YEAH, SO HOW'S IT GOING?" (ANG CUTE MO NGAYON, NAKAKATIGIL HININGA ANG IYONG ITSURA) .. "OH NOTHING MUCH"... (IF SMALL TALK WOULD BE DESCRIBED, I WOULD SAY IT'S VERY APTLY CALLED, "SMALL"). NOW, YOU LOOK AT ME, WAITING, IF I HAVE ANY MORE TO SAY THAN MY MUNDANE GREETING..I TRY TO RISE TO THE CHALLENGE.."UH,,UH..HAVE YOU SEEN CATFISH?" (IF I COULD ONLY TELL YOU HOW YOU ALMOST LEAVE ME IN A COMA EVERY TIME YOU SMILE). "CATFISH? I THINK I SAW HIM HEAD OUTSIDE FOR A SMOKE". ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, I REALIZE MY BLUNDER FOR WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO I HAVE THAN TO HEAD OUTSIDE AND PRETEND TO LOOK FOR MY CATFISH WHEN I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT HE'S PRESENTLY SNORING AWAY IN A COUCH BY THE WRECK ROOM-- THIS WOULD AMATURELY END MY PRECIOUS TIME WITH YOU..I GRASP FOR A NEW SUBJECT TO PROLONG THE RELATIVE "CONVERSATION" WE WERE HAVING..."OK, I'LL TRY TO GO THERE LATER, ANO ORAS BREAK MO?" (PERHAPS WE COULD BOTH HEAD OVER TO THE PANTRY AND GRAB A BITE TO EAT, LIBRE PA KITA).."KATATAPOS LANG E". "OH" (SHET, STUMPED). AFTER THAT EPISODE, WHAT ELSE COULD I DO BUT PRETEND LIKE I HAVEN'T JUST BEEN STABBED BY A DAGGER AND NOT STAGGER AWAY IN PAIN. WHILE STANDING BESIDE YOU, I GET A BRILLIANT IDEA TO COVER MY RETREAT (MY BRILLIANT IDEAS USUALLY TURN OUT TO BE TOTALLY STUPID AFTER A PERIOD OF TIME ELAPSES), TO SAVE MYSELF FROM SAYING A PROPER FAREWELL AND LOSING FACE I PRETEND TO HAVE FOUND SOMEONE MORE ENGAGING TO TALK WITH AND LEAVE YOU TRYING TO DISCERN WHETHER YOU WERE STILL IN THE DIALOGUE OR WAS JUST GIVEN A RUDE HINT OF NOT BEING INTERESTING ENOUGH (WHICH IS OF COURSE MY INTENTION, AFTER YOUR INDIFFERENT LETDOWN). WELL, THE TRUTH IS, THERE ARE MOUNTAINS SO FEARFUL AND DANGEROUS THAT I WOULD STILL TRAVERSE JUST FOR HAVING THAT SIMPLE EXCHANGE WITH YOU. SO, HERE ENDS THE FIRST ORDEAL. I STILL HAVE TWO HOURS TO PLOT MORE OUTRAGEOUS WAYS TO GAIN YOUR ATTENTION.

Reruns

It took me a long time to think of what to put in this blog. I just realized i already had so many templates, i decided to paste them here just to make use of the space. hikhik